I feel as though despite my lovefor my sisters and parents, I will never be completely happy here. Something sad, which is perhaps what drives me anger always lingers here. I dread driving through the damn city. All that comes to mind is the dreadul past it holds. The nighmares that keep me awake, tossing and turning, waking up in cold sweats are nonexistent in Denton. I want to just run way all over again. Somewhere I can’t think of you, of them. These friendships that have run their course. It’s all apart of this huge bullshit part of my life. You’re all bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.. I’m drunk, fuck me.
Haven’t been able to write much lately. Or rather write at all. I’m quitting him. Ending whatever this was. I am grateful for having met him in the most beautiful and memorable surroundings. If only he had stayed the person I’d met out in the wilderness. He’s incredibly beautiful, he just doesn’t see it. How can I love a friend that can’t and refuses to love himself first?
- Sunset at the Grand Canyon
It’s official. I think it’s love I’ve found in the wilderness. At the moment I can’t quite feel the sadness that came over me earlier. Though I do recall why, that doesn’t matter anymore. I like him and he likes me. I want him in my life and that’s all I know for sure. Whether it’s as a friend, or love interest. I truly feel that all things will be as they should be one day. Maybe not today, but perhaps another tomorrow! Greatest day EVER! ( :
-View from my tent on the first morning of my geology wilderness trip ( :
This was what I awoke to just about every morning… It was great! I enjoyed always getting up at 5:45 every morning to leave to some new and different location. It made waking up so early worth it. I loved it. I miss the people I shared this mutual pleasure and admiration with… probably the most. I want to go back.
Some pretty GOOD shit. I’m watching BLOW with the girls. :D
-Taken in Mexico, Summer 2008 (Before the worst)
I wish I could return to the days when he was just a door knock away. I miss him. But mostly I worry about him. If he’s okay. If he’s safe somewhere.. if he’s happy. I wish things were different. I wish he hadn’t done what basically destroyed my life as it was. My family. I don’t want to be mad at him. I simply don’t want to waste another day being angry and resentful towards the either of them. Though I am every now and then. Despite it all, I do love them. I love my sisters and my parents. My sisters more than anything.. I don’t have to choose with them, it’s easy with my sisters. They’re neutral grounds for me. If it weren’t for their existence, I don’t know what I would do or if I’d even still be alive today. All I want for them is what I desire for myself, complete happiness. The war is over, now all I want for us is peace.
“Unsaid”
Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight
But suffice it to say
We’re leaving things unsaid
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead
And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
We’re both pretty sure
Neither one can tell
We seem difficult
What we got is hard as hell
A hundred thousand words could not quite explain
So I walk you to your car and we can talk it out in the rain
And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
And we are leaving some things unsaid
I can sing myself to sleep
No more
Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight
-The Fray
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